Long Time - No Hear

My blogging has gone from 3-4 a night to nothing for about 2 months... drastic change, huh? Forgive me so the lack of information lately. But there was some yah-yah amongst people at work about the websites that the DAC surfs, so we have been told to limit our web surfing... thus no blogs at work. I am at work currently, but tonight is panning out to be an uneventful night, so I am trying not to finish up the bulk of my work super fast. Hence, forbidden blogging. Hmmm.

Catch Up:
* I'm getting sick and tired of stupid things at work... one side versus another, back-biting, chewing out because everyone wasn't informed about an issue or two, bridge contract and future contract stuff, changing shifts from 12 to 10 hours... meaning more work days and random, 4-hour work days (6am-10am the day before working 4 straight 10am-8pm days), a super tight schedule where if someone gets sick/misses work/vacation... everyone suffers from the lack of people to cover the shift (again, due to stupid 10 hr shifts), possible decrease in vacation days??, etc. After coming back from Uganda, I realized how blessed I am to have a good job in my field making the money that I do, so therefore my griping about working has taken a sharp decrease as well. But with all of this stuff, I'm not looking forward to upcoming changes (if they occur). I like 12 hours shifts. You stay busy. Time flies by. The days off are amazing and make it worth the toil that the body goes through going from days to nights. Enough.

*I have not spent one weekend (or my off days) in Picayune since.... the first weekend of May. And I have plans to be gone this weekend and next weekend as well. Fred is coming to Picayune July 15-17, and that is the only reason that I am staying put. I was talking to Ashley about this on facebook the other night, and I complained, "I don't know why I am renting in Picayune." Her reply: "Yeah, I don't know either." It hit me at once, the reality that I am paying 600 bucks (just rent) a month for a 2-bed, pretty nice apartment that I only stay in 3-4 nights a week and only to sleep. Tack on cable, internet, power, and sewage... that's almost 800 bucks/month. And... (ashamed to admit it) my gas bill bumps my monthly costs up quite a bit. Convicting? YES! That's a lot to dish out that I could be saving or putting towards other meaningful things. Am I in the wrong? Why am I in Picayune again? This is frustrating.

*I have been spending quite a bit of time recently in Mobile. Fred has offered to come to Picayune a few times, but my schedule allows for me to be off Sat-Sun through Wed-Thursday. With him only having Friday-Sunday off, the best bang for the buck (time-wise) is for me to go to his place. And I am not opposed at all! I love Mobile. Of course, Fred is the highlight, but being able to grab lunch with Ashley almost everytime I go since we got back from Uganda, eating with Sam the past time, driving down those roads that I know, simple trips to Walmart with Fred (like old times), Cottage Hill park just across the road from Fred's apartment where I can run by myself or with Fred (like old times), a pool to swim in (which I did yesterday by myself)... the list can keep going! Fred and I went to see the extended edition of the LOTR: The Return of the King last night in Daphne at the Rave. I miss everything and everyone being at my fingertips... I hate it actually.

*I gave something to God about 2 weeks ago now, something that I was in the wrong about. I have been giving it to God / grabbing it back for quite a while now... and have found myself slipping into bad moods, horrible outlooks, fear, and its other no-worth-it bi-products. [[Aunt Susan, I was miserable (and have been), so thanks for the prayers to make me miserable haha.]] Why do we do stupid things when we know they are stupid? I love the lyrics from Red's "Fight Inside" because it pretty much sums up the fight to give things up: It's still the same, pursuing pain; Isn't worth the light I've gained; We both know how this will end; But I do it again; And it finds me; The fight inside is coursing through my veins; And it's raging; The fight inside is breaking me again. 

So I finally confronted the problem and gave it to God. And wow! Has God forgiven and made things blossom when I did not think they would. My love for Fred has grown exponentially since then... weird and amazing. I still have not grasped the concept of how insignificant my mind and plans are compared to the One that knows all things and has all plans perfectly aligned with His perfect schedule. But things are in His hands now, so my fears have subsided, and my love has become genuinely giddy and plentiful. And this change in myself has affected Fred as well, as I have noticed similar results. God, forgive me for thinking that I know how to handle things... when in actuality, I have absolutely no clue.

* Desires versus Wants.
I have been really been wanting to dig deeper in Christ recently and ask for wisdom/insight. Are the things I am so desparately wanting the same things and desires that God has put in my heart? Or are they selfish desires, just things that I want for myself? It's confusing. I know that God not only pumped us full of His unique choices for personality traits, likes and dislikes, but also for desires of the heart. I find myself questioning things because I am a super-sentimental person. I don't like change. But once that change becomes my "normal," it is MINE. (hope that makes sense) For example, I hated going to MCC at first. But when it came time to leave, I was so bummed. That was my place, my college, my people, my rooms and parking spots, etc.

I love Mobile. I love the town. I know the town (or most of it). I know people there. I LOVE Airport Blvd Baptist and its members. It was place that I was committed and enjoyed serving/worshiping with. I love the restaurants (fatty likes to eat!). I like the beaches nearby. I love my college buddies still there. I love the campus for a matter of fact. I love Mobile. It's close to home. It's close to a lot of things. It's a place to do nothing or anything you would like. But I'm here... in Picayune... not committed to a church because I am never at one church more than 2 Sundays in a row. Frustrating. I know where I want to be. I know who I want to be close to. And the reality of the situation is that if Fred were not in Mobile, I would still be satisfied living there. But I'm not.

I feel stuck in the job... well, maybe not so much stuck but that I cannot be thinking about leaving the job this soon, closing in on one year shortly. I was talking to Ashley earlier tonight via text, asking her to pray for me because there are a lot of things that I am wanting right now and see no way to get them. We were talking about wants versus God's-desires, and I was telling her about all of the up-coming crap concerning my job and the new contract stuff. I texted her, "I wonder if this is the beginnings of God closing the door to this job." Her response, "I was thinking that too." But that scares me too, because the fear of getting another job in meteorology (in Mobile??) and not taking too much of a pay cut seems unreal. And another fear is that if that all comes about and that I happen to move back to Mobile and be near Fred, God will open up a door for Fred and have him ship out to somewhere else... The future: uncertain and (word of the night) frustrating.

*Pray for:
-- God's will be done.
-- For patience and contentment to be where He wants me to be now and trust in Him during this transition time.
-- For God to help me distinguish my wants versus His wants (which will probably not be answered anytime soon) and again.. patience in the meantime.
-- Doors to open and close, and wisdom about which ones to follow and which to wait on.
-- Continued "giving up" status for things that I might want to take back in the future.

Ok, back to work!

Fall

One of Uganda team members posted this on his facebook this morning.... and it's been on repeat ever since.

Been a While

It's been a while... but May has been busy, and now it is gone! Wow.

Uganda was amazing... amazingly great and amazing bad. My eyes were opened to things that I did not necessarily want to see or know about, but I think it's a good thing. The people soaked up the lessons taught, and we heard that a mini-revival was happening the Sunday after we left! Is not God amazing? (More to come later.)

My aunt taught on forgiveness Thursday morning at the women's conference. So many women told about their story and how they have forgiven people in the their past... people that tried to kill them, were meant to them, etc. It totally blew me away.

And here I am. Lesson: struggling to learn. I am harborring feelings in my heart at the moment, and they are growing uncontrollably. The lack of effort about certain things kills me. And I am left with dwindling motivation to put forth any effort as a result. Why? Why expend efforts when a counterpart seems to not be on the same page? Frustration. But the more I think about this simple frustration, the more bitter I become. Not good. Not good when the God of the universe gave up EVERYTHING for me after I repeated slapped and spit in His face... Can I not forgive this little mishap? Hmmm.

Prayer needed.