Procrastination Blogging & Deeper Insight

Hey guys, I am totally avoiding starting that stinken security check thing because I know how painfully annoying it is going to be. (And since I've filled it out before, I have to be super careful to put the same dates and locations as the first time... Will my memory serve me well from a year ago?)

Fred's mom gave me Laura Story's newest album for Christmas, and I was able to listen to it on the way back from DeKalb Monday afternoon. Her big hit, if you will, is the song called "Blessings." I've heard it on the radio, but it wasn't one of my favorite songs of hers on the CD. But after playing through the entire CD twice, I listened to it on the third round. It contained these lyrics that hit the nail on the head of the way I feel sometimes and deeper insight into why:

"What if my greatest disappointments or aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy."


I have caught myself so many times re-evaluating myself and trying to find the root or validation of why I got so upset over something... generally at or with Frederick. Of course, I go find God and talk things over with Him after I have opened my big fat mouth. And there have been way more than one instance when I have heard God say, "Jaclyn, the same things are you are upset with Fred over are the same things that you do to Me. Do you not see how I feel?" Honestly, it was such a mind-blowing and shameful thought!

I can get so upset with Fred when I feel that his actions show me that I am not his number one, that I am not important enough or on his mind enough to go to first. He can drive me up the wall when he does not talk to me as much as he should or does not make effort to do little, sweet things for me. But back this train up! Do I always make God the first one that I go to? Do I make every effort to spend time with Him and talk to Him or listen to Him? Do I look for ways to please Him and bring a smile to His face or reassure Him of my love for Him? Do I put Him first?  ... and the shame and humility grows as I write.

How can I be so hypocritical? And all of the while, I grow irritated with Frederick until it reaches a point that I must speak, must get these disturbing things off of my chest. I found a Switchfoot song that perfectly summarizes what this looks like and is like:

And when the night falls on me

I become anything but free

I get so sick of this

It gets ridiculous

And my mouth is an Army

I am the tyrant of this course

I am the beater of the dead horse

I am the irritant, I am the irritant

and my mouth is a brute force

The Sound in my mouth

It gets so loud, It gets so loud

Little words can slip out

words like sorry

and I'm so sorry

YEAH!!!

So to summarize: I find striking similarities in my reasoning for getting upset with Fred's actions and the way that God must become upset and disappointed with my actions. Instead of searching deeper into my discontentment and pondering over the fact that my "disappointments or aching of this life" might be because I am not right with my Creator and Savior. Darn, it's amazing how attached God is to your heart and your outlook and the way you handle life's situations even when you are totally oblivious to it and/or ignoring/not focused on it. And people say there is no God? Huh, amazing.

---  Switchfoot: The Sound in My Mouth  ---